This is the beginning of a journey. Even though I feel like I’ve taken this path before, something seems different. I feel like this is going to stick this time. The truth is, there used to be a time where I couldn’t be left alone with my computer, my phone, or any device, especially at night. Something would always happen.
The single-bedroom apartment was gently illuminated from a small light fixture above the stove. A young man found himself diligently typing into his laptop computer, which rested nicely on on a small writing desk. He paused and looked at the clock at the top right corner of the screen; 10:30pm.
Usually at this time of the night, my progress is ruined and I’m right back where I started; square one. Actually tonight is the first night that I’ve been up this late alone and it feels great! On an average night I go to bed with my wife, even when I’m not tired, that means that I often find myself lying in bed awaiting for sleep. This was for my own protection. I wanted to keep our marriage pure. I wanted to keep my integrity intact. I needed our lives to be porn free. This seemed like one of the best ways to achieve this in the most dangerous time of the day of a porn addict.
The young man paused yet again and leaned back in his chair, gathering his thoughts. His face was contorted with a puzzled look. He remained there for a few moments, every so often shifting his gaze down at the open canvas of the word document before him only to stare off into the distance, waiting for the next string of sentences to find their way onto his train of thought.
Frankly, I didn’t even realized that I’ve been clean from porn so long until one night my wife asked me about my lust issues:
“So, how’ve you been doing with your lust issues, buddy?” She asked one night while he two of us were driving home from a last minute date night. She asked in a sweet and charming way, trying to be sensitive to my struggles.
After a long paused, I responded, “Truthfully, I’m doing really well!” I said with a smile. “I haven’t even really thought about it. I honestly think it’s been since our vacation, maybe even before.” I thought back to myself with pure joy as I answered her. It felt great to be able to not have to try to avoid the conversation because I’d been struggling. I was able to be fully candid and honest.
“That’s great, babe!” She exclaimed, “ I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked about it; I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
“No, I appreciate that,” I assured her, “I’m glad you asked.” I wanted to look her in the eyes so that she could fully understand that I trusted her for help in my healing process, yet I kept my eyes on the road before me as we headed home. I offered my hand out to her as she placed her hand in my palm.
“I know we’ve talked about this before, but it makes me feel real good to know how much you fight for our marriage, especially when it comes to looking at other women. It makes feel like you value me and only want me sexually. It lets me know that you’re not fantasizing about other women. I makes me feel special.”
I nodded in agreement, knowing all too well that when I was indulging in porn, my romantic connection with my wife struggled the most. I never wanted to put that wedge between my wife and I.
I now sit here before my computer. It’s 11:30 pm and my fingers danced over the keyboard, telling this tale. As I form the each sentence, I ponder over the conversation with my wife and pride fills my heart. I know that she is worth it. I know that our marriage is stronger than the desire for lust is; I know that our friendship is built on our respect for each other and our faith is the center piece that keeps us together. It is through God’s strength that the two of us will make it through this!
The single-bedroom apartment was gently illuminated from a small light fixture above the stove. A young man found himself closing his laptop computer, which rested nicely on on a small writing desk. He paused and looked at the clock at the top right corner of the screen; 11:30pm.
“That’s enough for tonight.” He whispered to himself through a joyful smile. “I made though another night. It’s time for bed.”
Anthony K. Giesick
I grew up loving stories and quickly found myself loving writing poetry, stories, songs! Here is a sample of what Beautiful Feet Writings is all about!.