My year away from Jesus: part 2
One of my favorite things is to hear the true stories of people that I admire in some way or another. The reason for this is simple: when you get into their mind and you hear why they act the way that they do. I love to hear what motivates them in their chosen art form and the work that it took to get the success that they were able to accomplish. Along with their success, I am also bound to hearing about their failures and the trials that they have faced. Through hearing these stories of trial and triumph, it inspires me to be an open book with everything that I have faced and I have seen over these last two years.
With every story that is worth telling, there is always a beginning. My story is no different. In order to completely understand the beginning of my descent from God's favor I need to better understand what caused my turn away from Jesus. What was my motivation for betraying my Heavenly Father? I realized that I am to blame for the struggles that I faced in this period of time. With that said, I also realize that I must take specific steps to getting out of this dark area of my life. I just needed to figure out what those steps are and commit to the process.
As I looked retrospectively through the last two years, I began to see what the ultimate cause was: My desire to be admired and loved.
Truth be told, ever since I was a child I have always wanted to know that I was important to someone. At a young boy I lived with my single-mother, my older brother and my older sister. To say that I was spoiled was kind of an understatement. My mother and I would often spend time together, watching tv and movies. It also seems like most anything that I wanted I would get, as long as I cried And whined for it enough. I was the baby of the family.
I often visited my grandmother and my great grandmother on the weekends with my cousin. My cousin and I were best friends! We grew up together. We had many of he same interests and we would spend Hours hanging out, watching tv or we would be outside digging in the dirt and playing with toys. The bond that I had with my grandmother was great. She is one of the primary reasons why I love a good story. My grandma used to read to me often. Her and I would often share stories that we were reading or what we have read.
As far as my relationship with my father it started off nearly absent. I know that I would see my dad once during the week and on certain weekends. Often when I would see my dad it was awkward and something that I didn't fully understand. As a young child I remember laying in my bed and trying to figure how why my mother chose to make him my father. Why would she pick him? What does the word "father" mean? I didn't know how I was suppose bond with him or even why I should bond with him. All I knew was a stranger entered into my life and I was told that he was my dad.
Over time I got more comfortable with my father. He would pick me up from school and he would take me to the movies or to Disneyland. Of course I had fun! We would ride our favorite rides and eat food at the park or I would drag him to the movies to see "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie" which was released in 1995 or various other children's movies of that time.
Even with all of these people around me, often I felt like I was alone most of the times. I would sit in my room and hide within my own thoughts. I grew up with a lot of questions, but I didn't always voice them. I don't know why. Possibly because I felt like if I were ask these questions I would quickly become an annoyance to my family. Maybe I didn't ask these questions because I didn't fully understand the reason for the question.
None-the-less, I believe the root of these unanswered questions sprouted from my desire to figure out who I was and why I was important. This blood thirst for love and attention continued through my childhood entering into my adult life. As I aged, I poked and prodded for attention from some while shunning the attention of others. I quietly sought the attention of my peers through self-defeating phrases and statements, hoping they would verbally protest and share their views of me. Views that showed my value to them. By them protesting my negative statements that I shared of myself and replacing with with a statement of acceptance, it made be feel important and valued to the person.
This quirk of mine easily transitioned into my value as a man of God. God has quickly reassured me that I was loved by Him. Jesus' words and actions pealed back the curtain of deception that clouded by vision from His ultimate plan. Often I would lay in my bed, thinking of my value to the people in my life. I would often think that I wasn't truly valuable to my family members. I believed that they only told that they loved me because they were obligated to due to the fact that they were family members. As these thoughts clouded my mind, God quietly spoke to my heart, saying, " It may have seemed that you family didn't love you or didn't want you, but I sent my son to die for you. That is how important you are to me. Also, I did that because I wanted to. I did that because I wanted you."
I woke up in tears.
I have my purpose. I have realized that I am worthy of God's and acceptance. God did not have to build a relationship with me, but He desired to. He saw a value in me that I couldn't even see in my self. This built my confidence and soon lead my actions in ministry and work.
Being a young child who deeply craved the attention of others echoed through my growing spurts and the effects still ring loud through my adult life. I sought the attention of my parents and siblings. I sought the admiration of my peers as a young boy. Even as an adult I hope to be loved and admired by the ones that I love. I search for this acceptance, but I am never satisfied with the value that is placed on my shoulders. My mind of doubt kept me from seeing that I am valuable.
I am important.
I am worthy of love.
I am blessed.
I am all of these things and so much more. It is not because of my actions that I am valuable to the world; it is because of the sacrifice that Jesus offered in my place that holds my importance. When Jesus pulled me from the pit of despair and depression, I was given a love that opened my heart to my true potential; my true purpose. The same purpose that I discovered early in my walk with God.
I have recently been reassured through the Holy Spirit that my value is the same in God's eyes. My value did not diminish or magically vanish due to my diversion from God's grace of the last year. I also learned that I didn't need to search for my importance or my value, I already had it! My childhood did not have to be filled with self-defeating phrases to get people attention. I did not need to lose my morals in romantic relationships to feel loved.
Our value is God-given; it does not vanish over time. It is not added to by good deeds. It is simply laid upon us when God, our Heavenly Father, looks at us with eyes welling with tears of joy. It is simply granted to us when Jesus willing accepts our punishment for our disobedience toward a Perfect God and He hangs naked on a cross. Lastly, we are empowered by our value when we willingly walk in God's perfect plan for our lives, trusting him completely.
Anthony K. Giesick
I grew up loving stories and quickly found myself loving writing poetry, stories, songs! Here is a sample of what Beautiful Feet Writings is all about!.