My year away from Jesus: Part 5
"In the return to life from the swoon there are two stages; first, that of the sense of mental or spiritual; secondly, that of the sense of physical, existence." -Edgar Alan Poe (The Pit and the Pendulum)
As I found distance in the wreckage of my dating relationship and began to find a closeness in my relationship with God, the healing began. I must be honest, while my recent ex entered into another relationship, I eventually took her advice; trying out an online dating site to try to meet some more people. I went on a few dates, but nothing that resembled a dating relationship would emerge.
To be honest, that was for the best because I was not emotionally ready for another relationship. I needed to heal. Just because I wasn't ready for a relationship, that doesn't mean it didn't hurt when I would be ignored by women or rejected by someone that I would begin to like.
One of the incidents that I encountered was very confusing for me. I met her online and we started talking through text. We seemed to have a lot in common, but I was still very hopeful that my lost love and I would clear the air and work out our confusion. When I finally allowed my mind to grab hold of the idea that we would not be together, I began to talk to this new interest more often. We finally decided to meet in person. We went out on two dates, one of them was a dinner date and the second was a dinner and a movie.
As we talked over dinner, I felt that there was a great chemistry and possible connection between us. She agreed. When we met the second time for the movie, we found ourselves snuggled in the seats together. It felt great. We kissed. I couldn't believe it how it felt.
I thought this was the beginning of a new relationship, but within a few weeks we weren't talking. I would text her, no answer. I would call her, no response. I would try to email her, not a word. I was confused and my already shattered confidence took another solid hit.
This was another sign that I needed to focus my heart on God for healing. So, that's what I did. I have been going to a new church over the months, but I was considering going back to my original church that I found here in Phoenix. I thought to myself whether I should leave the church for another, each week trying to decide on what to do. I kept going to church throughout this entire depression and recovery, but I just couldn't seem to find the spiritual connection that I felt like I needed.
In order to find healing from this pit I knew that I needed to focus on my spirit. I needed my heart to heal and I realize that I couldn't heal my mind and body until God freed me from my sin and my spiritual bondage.
I kept praying.
I kept reading.
I kept going to church.
I thought I was ready to return to my previous church, until I heard a sermon that opened my stone encased heart to the truth of God's words. As the pastor spoke from the Holy Bible the Holy Spirit opened my ears and led my thoughts through the dark catacombs into his light.
Every day I prayed and my prayers began to resemble the words of a forgiven son of God as opposed to the words of a heart broken young man seeking a relationship with his lost father.
I began reading God's word regularly, taking the time to digest the meaning of the passages, reminding myself of the honest truth that are written in those pages. The power of God's word opened my eyes to my darkened state of mind and gave me a light to lead me out of the pit.
Along with taking time to heal my spirit and my spiritual connection with God, I also had to take time to heal myself physically. I can safely say that I was't severely harmed physically during my descent, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't physically harmed. One incident where I physically harmed myself....I was in the shower, thinking through the series of events that had happened with this love of mine. I thought of all of all that she said to me and the fact that I never seemed first on her list. I blood began to boil. Before I knew I was punching myself in the chest, the arms and legs. I rammed my clinched fists into the tiled-wall of the shower.
I felt disgraced. I felt overcome by grief and anger. I couldn't seem to control myself. due to my lack of self-control I was left with a large bruise on my left arm that was so tender that there were times that I couldn't move it or touch it.
This would never happen again.
The power of prayer is a very useful tool when one is dealing depression, frustration and even anger. When I'm feeling that old feeling of anger creeping through my system, I must think through the situation that is angering me and take a moment to pray. I will speak my anger to the LORD, knowing that He will listen to my prayers and calm my mind and my body. This will prevent my anger from boiling over into acts of sins and disgrace.
Anthony K. Giesick
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