My year away from Jesus: Part 6
It finally started. I spent nearly a year in the bottom of this depression pit, but it was finally time to ascend out of the underground tomb. Through prayer, Bible studies and various attempts to socialize with the outside world, I began to feel like myself again.
I realized that I needed to pull myself out of my current comfort, which unfortunately had become an extremely dark place, and I needed to place myself in situations where I could interact with the world around me. On numerous occasions I would Google local events that I believed that I would enjoy. Yet, too often I backed out of the promises that I made to myself. That couldn't continue!
I would often Google local wrestling shows and small concerts that would allow me to interact with others who share the same interests that I have. While I found some interesting-sounding wrestling shows, I never got up the courage to go to these shows. I guess I was afraid of reaching out.
I needed to stand up and be seen.
I slowly began to go on shopping visits with family member and tag on to outings with my brother and his girlfriend. Even though I was often silently walking like a zombie throughout these outings, it helped me to look at the world again. It helped me to see that there was an entire world outside of my tomb that laid in nightly.
It helped me to see that even though there was a dark cloud following me, I realized that the sun was still shinning for everyone else. Too often this revelation turns a darkened heart darker, creating thoughts of: "Where's my sunshine?" or "Why is their life so perfect and mine is so messed up?"or "Why are they so much better than me?"
While I saw the sun shinning for everyone else, I slowly became grateful. I was grateful that there were people who were benefiting from the blessings of God. I was grateful because I eventually realized that those same people that were absorbing the sunlight had also faced their own depression pits throughout the years, and for many they may have been worst than my own.
Since the sun shown for them eventually, I had to believe that God would shine His rays on me one day. I just had to crawl out of my pit in order to receive those blessings.
I kept praying.
I kept reading.
I kept going to church.
Suddenly it was like a light switch; one day I was surrounded by the darkness of my thoughts and my attitude and the next day there were rays of light shining in life, showing me God's grace and love for me.
Rebuilding that broken relationship with God did not happen overnight. It took work. I realized that I needed to start by rebuilding my confidence, which meant honing my craft as I focused on my talents. I began to write daily. I wrote poetry, songs, articles, and blogs. Along side with the reconstruction of my confidence, I continued to focus on God, going back to my passion for God's word and work throughout the world.
The progress of Bible reading and praying went through a series of changes over this time of healing. When I was buried beneath my depression pit, I was unable to read my Bible without becoming distracted or uninterested. Due to this revelation, I would become very frustrated because I would recall the reading I was able to accomplish before I fell into the depression pit. It disturbed me that I fell so far away.
I figured it out this way: your faith grows jut like your human body. Think of a baby, when they are in their infancy they drink formula. Their body can not digest solid foods and they don't have teeth to chew. As our bodies grow, we are able to eat solid food and even later we are able to eat larger amounts of food. I believe our faith is very similar: If you don't feed your faith, you eventually have to leave solid foods and retreat back to formula. For example, I spent an entire year not fully reading, therefore when I finally read the Bible I was unable to digest what I was reading. I had to re-train myself to digest larger chunks of scripture. So, that's what I did. I would read small pieces of scripture until I was developed enough to handle more.
Even though I escaped the pit, there were still plenty of symptoms that I had to deal with on a daily basis. I found joy in my everyday life, yet I often motioned through joyful and happy to sad or disappointed and then back again. Although I still have a lot to learn, I will continuously seek the ways of the LORD and I will trust his path for my life.
Now, I can happily say that things are better. I have found my ultimate joy in the LORD of the universe; the LORD of grace; the LORD of love; the LORD of my life. I have found a new job; a place where I truly feel like I fit in and I belong. I've even started dating again.
All I can say is that I am blessed and thankful for all that I've been though and all that I've learned from this experience. I hope by reading my words God has blessed you and begun to show you what He is capable of. I pray that you would search for the love of the LORD and trust in the path that he has you on. If at anytime you find yourself lost or you find yourself making a wrong turn somewhere, just know that God loves you and Jesus died to free you from all your sin and all of your mistakes.
Anthony K. Giesick
Anthony K. Giesick
I grew up loving stories and quickly found myself loving writing poetry, stories, songs! Here is a sample of what Beautiful Feet Writings is all about!.